Author: Tenderspirit

You may think that if your spouse or partner does not hit you that you are not in an abusive relationship. You have to know that there is more to abuse than just hitting or striking someone. Many people suffer through nasty verbal tirades and emotional abuse day after day, but just because the person never hits them, they think it is somewhat a normal part of life. This simply is not the case. Abusive relationships are probably more common than you realize, and if you are in one you have to get out of there as soon as you can. People who are in abusive relationships don’t know any differently because they have never experienced anything better. They do not realize that verbal abuse can do more harm than physical abuse.  Not only does it harm the persons being verbally abused but does great harm to their children.  Usually the abuser is verbally abusive to their children too.  If not, the child is still severely affected by witnessing the behavior.  They learn how to treat others by the way their parents treat each other.  They learn that this abusive behavior is how you treat the people you love. 

Many abusive relationships start out as happy ones. Often abusive personalities can hide their true nature until after the wedding vows have been exchanged. They abuse starts out small, and the abused often wonder what just happened, and they begin to dismiss the episodes as something they deserve. After a while, the abusive relationships become worse, but by the time this happens, the abused person can’t see any way out, and they often think that this is the way that love is supposed to be. Often times even though they know that they are being abused they are afraid to walk away.  The abuser often will convince them that they will kill them or hurt their children etc. if they ever try to leave them.  The abuser will day by day set the person up and brainwash the person so that they are so afraid that they become paralyzed and stuck in the situation. 

Remember that those in abusive relationships of any kind won’t admit that they think something is wrong. They may downplay the abuse because they don’t know any better. Even if they do know better they may downplay the abuse because they are too afraid to let others know that they are aware of the situation.  They are too afraid of the threat.  If the person has all ready held a gun to their head or knife to their throat, etc.  they truely believe the abuser will carry out their threat.  The abuser often plays this game out to the tee.  They know if the abused person turns them in these days that they will be going to jail.  It is considered kidnapping if a person is trapped in their house and not allowed to leave.  This could carry a long jail term.  A knife to the throat or gun to the head is attempted murder.  This too could carry a long term in jail.  The abuser knowing this and doing it in a moments fit surely does regret his or her action after they regain themselves.  Because they know their actions could take away their freedom and their mate would be free to do what they will.  Most abusers are extremely jealous people.  They want to keep that person all to themselves. They intuitively, or from past experience know, that outsiders will try and get the abused person to leave them.  Therefore they keep that person hostage and hoard them to themselves.  They monitor their phone calls and often confront their conversations with others.  They truly force their victims into isolation.  If the victim is isolated from others they are more easily convinced that the abusers actions are normal behavior.  

If the victim was  abused as a child, they may not even realize what real love and respect is supposed to be like. They were raised to believe this is how someone who loves you treats you. They may see their marriage or partnership as completely normal, even though they are living with deep pain each and every day. Abusive relationships seem to be something that happens to someone else, not them.  They may clearly see abuse in other peoples relationships, but be in denial about the abuse in their own relationship.  

Sometimes there is nothing you can do to help people who are in abusive relationships, at least not at first. You have to try everything you can to get them to leave or to protect them. They may resist for a long time and insist that they are fine. Those in abusive relationships can often end up dead, so you have to keep on them until they see what is going on and make the decision to get out. They won’t leave until they can come to this conclusion on their own. Do what you can though, as you may be the voice of reason that finally gets them to see what is going on and to get out.  This can be a very heart breaking situation for the person watching.  If the person is truly afraid of being killed or their children being killed you most likely will not be able to intervene.  That person will stay in the situation until something happens that is so painful that the pain of staying is greater than the risk of being killed by the abuser.  It is then and only then the person will decide they would rather be dead than live this way any longer.  Often the best way to help a person in this situation is to contact a support group and find someone willing to come with you to visit the abused person.  If the person that you are bringing with you has been through a similar situation and can share their experience and how they escaped it that is often the best intervention because that person will have compassion and empathy that only a person who has gone through the same would have.  

Please understand that I am speaking from a voice of experience here.  One time in my life I was in an abusive relationship.  It was horrible.  I lived everyday with my life in danger.  I was too frightened to leave and frightened everyday to stay.  One day I had my Granddaughter spending the night and he did harm to her, thank God it was minor.  I knew my relationship with her was at risk as neither her mother nor I would ever allow anyone to do harm to her.  That was the straw that broke the camels back for me.  He may not have hurt her this time, but, common sense told me if there was a this time, there would be a next time.  It was my love for her that made me strong enough to risk that he would kill me and get him out of my life forever.  As you can see I am still alive but even after he was gone I lived with the fear that he was lurking around and any minute would come crashing through my window and break my neck.  Even as I write this I am feeling quite ill.  This was approximately 8 years ago and now feels like just yesterday.  Before this experience I would have been the first one to say to a person in my situation just leave, just kick him out, are you crazy, etc. etc. etc.  I did not have a clue of the mental torture a person in that situation goes through.  I now have more than a clue and would run like hell from anyone who even gave me the slightest inkling that they might be abusive.

I wish my family would have called the police and turned him in.  I was too scared to do it myself while in the midst of the terror.  I was paralyzed. 

This is a true and tragic story but all too real and all too likely to become you.  (click on the link above to read about Kim.  Please take the time to read this.  It is short and too the point this young beautiful girl, killed by her abusive husband left behind 4 beautiful to children who will never be hugged, never be held, and never be kissed by their beautiful mother again.

Three  very good movies to watch are:  Sleeping With The Enemy, Dangerous Intentions, and Burning Bed (a true story)

Abusive Relationships Why Do We Shy Away From Responsibilities?

Author:  Bob Johnson

Do you watch television? What a stupid question, right? It's just that two individuals in my family do not, ever. I fully admit that I do. I'm a crime show fanatic. Take your pick from any current crime series running on television now days. I probably watch it weekly. You want to know one thing every crime show has in common? They all show us what an abusive relationship looks like. Sure, they vary in severity and number of victims, but we can tell what to look for. Therefore if someone were being abused in this modern society, wouldn't we all be able to spot it? Considering that we know the person. Think about that! Who do you know that may express symptoms? If you know someone, it's your duty as a friend or even an acquaintance to help. If you don't, maybe no one will.

Why do we shy away from responsibilities? I have a friend, whose aunt was in an abusive relationship. He knew, his family knew, and everyone basically knew. So what was the deal? Where was the intervention? I couldn't help but inquire his thoughts. I demanded to know what he was waiting for. He's a grown man and he should assist her. However, he informed me that they could not get her out of the abusive relationship, basically because she refused. So then what do you do? This woman is in her 40s, and still she chooses to stay with someone who treats her poorly. Hmm, this can be a tricky issue. You see, when someone is abused, they are typically isolated as well. The abuser will keep them away from friends or family. He/she will disconnect the victim from the outside world. This in turn renders them powerless. It sounds utterly horrible, but it's reality. They also make their victims feel guilty or swear they only do what they do out of love. The victim often feels sorry for the abuser. The abuser almost always convinces their victim that they are so sorry and will never do it again.  They will say how terrible they are for doing it and that they would just die if they ever lost the person because they love them so much.  They convince the victim that they are reacting because they are so afraid of loosing them.  Their lines go on and on and on. 

  Common Signs Of An Abusive Relationship

Clearly an abusive relationship is a complicated. It's crucial for all of us to identify with the common signs of an abusive relationship. If someone you know has bruises, cuts or scrapes on a regular basis, ask them about them. Individuals who are stuck in an abusive relationship will commonly act withdrawn from society. Moreover, if you see a child that fits these symptoms, it's your duty to investigate the situation. A child cannot be expected to deal with an abusive parent or relative like an adult. You may be the only safety that child has.  Trust your intuition. 

Nearly all of us have heard about abusive relationships. Some of us who are less fortunate might even have lived through a few ourselves. But the hard and cruel fact of life is that abusive relationships are a reality that we cannot wish away. No matter how bold the measures adopted by the state functionaries might be or how compelling the advertising campaigns centered around abusive relationships may be, they are not something that is likely to go away or even be wished away. They are an ugly reality that take a toll not just on the perpetrator and the victim, but also everyone else who happens to be a part of the equation.

A recent study by the department dealing with juvenile delinquency found that nearly 80% of teenage offenders came from families where abusive relationships were common. Imagine that! Eighty percent is not an errant statistic. It is practically the whole group. If one were to use this study, it would be really easy to conclude that everyone, or rather every child who has been in a household with abusive relationships, is sure to become a juvenile delinquent! Worrying as this sounds, what makes it really scary is the fact that it is the truth. And frankly, nothing much is being done to change the situation.  

Why exactly do abusive relationships take root? And how can they be rooted out? In order to answer these questions, it is necessary to understand the nature of abusive relationships in the first place. Not all abusive relationships begin because the perpetrators are evil, wicked people who want to hurt others. In fact, the opposite may very well be true. Most abusers in abusive relationships are people who themselves have some sort of deficiency, which they try to equalize or even out through the use of force to dominate others. As is usually the case, this kind of force tends to harm others more than it heals them. Which is what leads to abusive relationships.  

Psychologists and mental health professionals have studied abusive relationships for a very long time. And without exception, they have all found one common thread that runs through. Most abusers are otherwise charming people who often carry the burden of their deviant behavior with them in the form of lifelong guilt. And the reasons they indulge in abuse is because they don’t know how to deal with this guilt. Each episode of abuse is followed by an episode of genuine remorse which is then evened out by another episode of abuse. In a manner of speaking, it is a vicious cycle that they find themselves in and one for which they need help in order to over.